My Love was Stolen by a Sociopath

No love ever

No love ever (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I was robbed of love. What I thought was love turned out to be manipulation and control.

Let me explain. It started a long time ago. I was just out of high school, ready to embrace the world. I felt so grown up. I had a great boyfriend and we planned on getting married after I finished Nursing School. Sadly I got pregnant. I was going to do the right thing, drop out of school and get married.

But, my mother still controlled me. She had a knack for getting her way. Whether her actions were out of love for me or shame based I will never know. I do know she was embarrassed. I heard words like “what will people say?” “You are ruining the families reputation” “You are never to see that boy again.” I did not hear that I had choices.  I was not asked what I wanted to do. I was taken to a strange doctor and forced to have an abortion.  I had no voice.

In the midst of all the drama, I met another man. He listened to me. He offered me a sanctuary. He was in the armed forces and was soon to be sent across the country. He offered to take me with him. This was my escape. Without the maturity to know better, I went with him and we were married just a few months after meeting. Mom did not stop me, perhaps glad to be rid of her problem child.

I struggled to love the man. I have been lonely for a long time.  Strangely, living with my husband kept me isolated, without friends. His childish behavior, his inappropriate remarks embarrassed me and I felt responsible. I did not want to inflict his antics on others. Whenever we would go out, I had to be on watch, ready to step in and prevent the situation from becoming awkward. I have longed for the freedom to relax and enjoy a social situation for a long time. In the past, I have spent time with friends without him by my side, only to endure his complaints and criticism when I got home. He manipulated and controlled me. I was afraid of living alone, so I endured the hell I created so long ago.

Love? What is love? It is not simply sexual attraction. Love is so much more.  Can love be described as deep affection? Is it characterized by a desire to be with that person always? Can love be described as caring about what matters to another? Is love a deep desire to share your life with someone, a life full of hopes and dreams. It is a desire to want good things for your partner.

It started out that way for me. Somewhere along the line, I found out I was trapped. What I thought was love became distorted. I was not loved, I was held captive. Fear kept me in my own prison. Fear of being alone. Fear I could not cope alone. That is what I was told over and over. I believed him. I knew what his anger looked like. I stayed in the marriage because the alternative scared me. He scared me.

He was not the person I desired him to be. I tried to change him, help him, and encourage him. I did not know I was dealing with a Sociopath. Now that he is gone and that word was tossed around the court room, I understand.

I was robbed of love.


24 thoughts on “My Love was Stolen by a Sociopath

  1. Totally, sadly understand where you are coming from. Know that I walk beside you and that I love you as you – totally, raw, joyful, thoughtful, creative, hug-able you. One friend to another. Blessings for our and your many tomorrow’s. Diana

  2. As I have grown older, I have come to realize that sometimes people don’t love us because they themselves are incapable of love.I found myself with emotionally unavailable people, because thats what I was used to. It was all I knew.

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